lolhi
me!
caitlin_chan
ohai.

Look! Not dead! Should I make the Monty Python Holy Grail joke for the eighty zillionth time, or do y'all remember it from last time? XD

I know, I suck. Gonna try to update more often, but I can't make any promises. As you all well know, if any of you are even reading this any more. XD

I HAVE been on Twitter, but not much else as far as teh intarwebz goes, except for infrequent de-lurking appearances at Shakesville.

Longer update to come in the near future I SWEAR AND PROMISE AND REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME. IF IT HASN'T HAPPENED BY THE SEVENTEENTH FEEL FREE TO SEND ME SCATHING REMINDERS.

SERIOUSLY. GO AHEAD. WON'T BLAME YOU AT ALL.

(Yep, my love affair with the CAPSLOCK continues. lol)

[TW] "Why didn't you say something?"
Neji lost
caitlin_chan
I should be sleeping now, as it's twenty after three in the morning as I start typing this, but all the shit bouncing around my skull is making that impossible. It's also making studying a lost cause. So. A post. To try and get said shit out of my head. It, uh, may be a little disjointed, just so you know.

Also, uh, epically long. And rambly. And this is probably all swirling around up in my head NOW instead of later because now it's Monday. December 13. And He is appearing in court today. Well, supposed to be. We'll see. Well, I won't see, but I'll get a phone call from Corinne and - damn it. Rambling.

Before I say anything of real consequence, there is a TRIGGER WARNING for this post due to discussion of sexual assault, specifically molestation. More specifically, for discussion of MY experience, which may very well make a difference in whether some of you read this or not. (If you think that it being my experience will make it too hard for you to read it, then don't force yourself. <3<3<3<3)

Everything from hereon will therefore also be under the cut. Caveat emptor, as they say in retail.

Caveat emptorCollapse )

(no subject)
Hinata white flag
caitlin_chan
Thanks, guys. So much. All of you who commented, who talked to me - here on LJ or elsewhere - I really, really appreciate it.

Sorry I got my wangst all over you. *HUG* But I'm okay now - well, mostly okay, and working on getting more okay - so y'all don't need to worry, kay? I'm feeling lots better. (Though the return of my capital letters and stuff probably gave you a hint about that, haha.)

But seriously. You guys are awesome friends, even though I'm sorta failing at it at the moment, as I'm really busy and haven't talked to some of you in ages - Ibut even when I'm not managing to talk to you or email you (I suck at that) or whatever, I do think about you folks and I do care about you. (Not to mention totally failing to update my LJ for months at a tome, but I'm gonna work on that one. Really. Seriously. I mean it this time. ...Don't look at me like that! XD)

(no subject)
Neji lost
caitlin_chan
i don't even know what the fuck i'm doing at university. it's not like i'm ever going to actually be a teacher, i'm not smart enough for that. i'm just wasting my profs' time and my money and the government's money. seriously. i'm not good for anything, not good at anything that really matters. not even good at listening to my friends; if the fact that they rarely talk to me, and talk to me even less about anything important in their lives isn't a hint, i don't know what is.

i've been stupid thinking i could ever BE something, ever do something that would make a difference in someone's life. i'm just a goddamned burden on everyone. Shan and Kels and Sarah couldn't even live with me, all i did was make them anxious and give Shan panic attacks. Shan doesn't want to live with me next year, and i can't hardly blame her.i just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after and stop being a pain in the ass to everyone. nobody would even notice - they're all too busy with their own stuff - and i wouldn't be distracting them anymore.

fuck. why am i at X? i'm not made for uni, i'm not smart or driven or dedicated or anything, i'm just fucking stubborn and i should have just thrown in the towel and found a fucking job ages ago instead of causing so much damned trouble for everyone and having to still depend on my parents for some of my living expenses. i'm twenty-fucking-four, i should be able to support myself. Mum could, when she was my age. had a career and everything.

not like i could be a nurse like her, though - i'd be no good at it, she told me as much once - since that would mean more university i can't afford and aren't smart enough for. fucked if i know what i'm good for. i should have just fucking stayed at Walmart on nights, except of course that i didn't work fast enough, apparently could't work as well as everybody else and as quickly as was expected of me. so that'd be a bust, too.

i don't even know. maybe i should just cut my losses and pull out of school now while i might get some of my tuition back. maybe pay my parents back for some of the money they've given me, and my grandparents for the money they've given me for school.

i jsut don't know

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caitlin_chan
  • 15:26 Dear pedestrians: the orange hand means stay the fuck off the street. #
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  • 00:28 @beautydreaming Enemy Human fainted! Butt gained 234 experience points! #
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  • 13:49 @beautydreaming Did you hear that Mitch Hudson from the campus post office died. DDDDDDD: He just got an honourary Xring in December, too. #
  • 17:34 Oh, look, snow. What a surprise! ...NOT #
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  • 00:03 Dad just made me (good) cry by being a big adorable sap. &lt;3&lt;3&lt;3 #
  • 00:04 Just took "Which Crazy Writer Are You?" and got: Thomas Pynchon! Try it ➔ bit.ly/cuow1m #
  • 01:16 @hurricanewinds YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #
  • 14:04 Mum was really touched and pleased by her card - thanks to everyone who signed it, whether in person or 'in absentia' (so to speak). #
  • 18:09 Dear Dad: you make terrible puns. A black moth named Mothen Luther King Jr? lolwut #
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  • 03:21 Dear self: I have to get up at eight, so go the fuck to sleep already. #
  • 10:54 @jhameia If you patch it on the inside it's pretty much invisible. #
  • 11:48 Off to Trenton. Yay? #
  • 16:30 Just back from the hospital with Mum - she wanted to see all the girls she works with to show them she was alive and kicking. #
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  • 13:31 @jhameia A women's resource centre/shelter may take it, or know where you should take it. #
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  • 01:37 @cupholder189 Well, I was ambiguous, but not anymore. Not after she's called giving money to the KKK ironic and thinking crip-drag is okay #
  • 12:03 @cupholder189 A lot of her recent statements don't really allow for misinterpretation. #
  • 12:06 Dear Dad: you rock. :) #
  • 12:08 @cupholder189 She's said some really vile things in the past couple months, so yeah. No respect for her at all. #
  • 12:24 @cupholder189 I never listened to her
    music before, and I probably never will, unless she stops being a douchy racist, sexist, and ableist. #
  • 12:34 @cupholder189 A bunch. Tweets, her own blog posts, stuff like that. So it isn't a question of whether she actually said these things or not. #
  • 13:17 @cupholder189 Well, most recently was the whole "donating money to the KKK is ironic", um... I'll e-mail you some links. #
  • 13:31 @cupholder189 I sent you a bunch of links - sorry, there's way too much for me to have any clue how to summarise it effectively/accurately #</ a>
  • 22:12 Mum's out of critical care and in telemetry!! #
  • 22:20 @jhameia Indeed! *bounces* #
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  • 13:39 Connective tissue doc examing Mum today. He's gonna order a crapton of tests in the next few days probably. #
  • 18:12 RT @mtviggy Are You Surprised? Whitewashing and “Racebending” in Hollywood. bit.ly/axKW7o #race #
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  • 10:34 Heading back to the Nish soonish. Ish. Not sure exactly when, but in time to theoretically make it to Victorian Lit. Probably. #
  • 16:18 Mum may be able to move from CCU to the step-down unit tomorrow or Thursday. Thank god. #
  • 20:01 @beautydreaming I had to ask Dad for gas and food money today. I'm on the "eventually an adult" wagon with you. :) #
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  • 03:05 @fionnabhair Thanks, we'll take all the good stuff we can get at this point. &lt;3 #
  • 09:09 Still in Hali. Will probably get back to the Nish this evening, but not exactly sure when or anything. #
  • 10:18 At Paperchase with @jhameia for breakfast. She has no breakfast food at her place 'cause she doesn't eat breakfast. Mm, 'Chase smoothies.... #
  • 11:32 Mum going for her cardiac catherisation now. Send her luck/whatever, please everyone. #
  • 12:44 Om nom nom glass noodles for lunch. #
  • 18:00
    They put a stint in one of Mum's arteries that may or may not fix what mostly caused her heart attack, now we just have to wait and see. #
  • 18:54 Stopped to get gas, decided to eat in the Irving restaurant. Fifteen minutes later Dad realised he hadn't moved the car from the gas pump. #
  • 21:09 Home again, home again, jiggity jig. #
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  • 00:03 Mum I think stable? They haven't said specifically anything but she's all doped up anyway. #
  • 00:17 I hate the waiting game. #
  • 00:41 The doc is sending Mum to Halifax. Her stats (whatever stats those are) haven't come down so he wants to send her now(-ish) and not later. #
  • 01:14 I fucking hate this. Once was bad enough, but this one is worse and fucking fuck fuck fuck I HATE THIS. #
  • 01:28 Mum wants Father Gary (current and former Parish priest), though Dad and I can't fucking figure out why, but it freaks us out. #
  • 01:52 Mum's
    left for Halifax with the PTU, so we're going home to get some stuff and then heading up to the city. #
  • 02:06 @hurricanewinds Don't feel that you have to stay awake, but all thoughts/prayers/vibes/karma is definitely appreciated. #
  • 02:13 Not going to Hali any more. Mum's heart stopped but they got it restarted and everything, but they're turning around to come back here. #
  • 03:10 Discussing putting a catheter my brother's nose to drain his sinuses. This is what we do while we wait for news: have ridiculous discussions #
  • 03:13 Thwy're getting ready to tranfer Mum again with the addition of an RN to the a
    mbulance team. #
  • 03:43 Mum's left and we're getting gas and getting on the road to follow her to Halifax. #
  • 05:33 We're in Hali safe and sound in spite of the ridiculous amount of fog. #
  • 08:09 Crashing on @jhameia 's couch because there will be way too many people at Grandma's for me to deal with. Mum' stable and okay as possible. #
  • 14:45 @frazledog I'll probably be up till tomorrow, but I don't think I'm gonna be up for hanging out, not with what's going on. #
  • 19:26 Mum's stable, comfortable, and doing as well as can be expe
    cted. Don't have a specific cause/treatment plan, diagnostic tests start Tues. #
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  • 16:45 I has new pants and they is awesomesauce. #
  • 21:11 Dear Mum: "Caitlin wouldn't care if she never stepped inside a church again" is NOT accurate, so stop assuming you know my exact thoughts. #
  • 21:13 Not going to Mass doesn't mean I'm not interested in visiting a historical church for the amount of amazing HISTORY and architecture. #
  • 22:40 EMS is here for Mum. Something's going on with her heart. #
  • 23:18 It's another heart attack, but that's all we've got so far. #
  • 23:37 @beau
    tydreaming
    Whatever was in that direct message you sent me did't get texted to my phone, but I'm gonna assume it was hugs or something #
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  • 04:44 Fuck off, brain. Fuck off, memories. Fuck off, self. Fuck off, anxiety. Let me fucking go to sleep. #
  • 04:51 I feel so broken, and I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know if I'll ever BE fixed. And I hate myself for it. #
  • 19:02 My dad had a guinea pig when he was about twelve. His name was Gordon Sinclair after the dude from Front Page Challenge. &lt;3 Oh, Dad. lol #
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