caitlin_chan (caitlin_chan) wrote,

i don't even know what the fuck i'm doing at university. it's not like i'm ever going to actually be a teacher, i'm not smart enough for that. i'm just wasting my profs' time and my money and the government's money. seriously. i'm not good for anything, not good at anything that really matters. not even good at listening to my friends; if the fact that they rarely talk to me, and talk to me even less about anything important in their lives isn't a hint, i don't know what is.

i've been stupid thinking i could ever BE something, ever do something that would make a difference in someone's life. i'm just a goddamned burden on everyone. Shan and Kels and Sarah couldn't even live with me, all i did was make them anxious and give Shan panic attacks. Shan doesn't want to live with me next year, and i can't hardly blame her.i just want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after and stop being a pain in the ass to everyone. nobody would even notice - they're all too busy with their own stuff - and i wouldn't be distracting them anymore.

fuck. why am i at X? i'm not made for uni, i'm not smart or driven or dedicated or anything, i'm just fucking stubborn and i should have just thrown in the towel and found a fucking job ages ago instead of causing so much damned trouble for everyone and having to still depend on my parents for some of my living expenses. i'm twenty-fucking-four, i should be able to support myself. Mum could, when she was my age. had a career and everything.

not like i could be a nurse like her, though - i'd be no good at it, she told me as much once - since that would mean more university i can't afford and aren't smart enough for. fucked if i know what i'm good for. i should have just fucking stayed at Walmart on nights, except of course that i didn't work fast enough, apparently could't work as well as everybody else and as quickly as was expected of me. so that'd be a bust, too.

i don't even know. maybe i should just cut my losses and pull out of school now while i might get some of my tuition back. maybe pay my parents back for some of the money they've given me, and my grandparents for the money they've given me for school.

i jsut don't know

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